#MayPac for Newbies

Have you been invited to a Mayweather vs Pacquiao viewing party? Are you nervous because you know squat about boxing and you’ll have to pretend otherwise in front of a bunch of drunk guys and the occasional hot chick? Does the thought of having to discuss the sweet science make your palms sweat and your head spin?

As usual, The Fight City is here to bail you out, by providing you with the right tools to emerge unscathed from what will be the biggest boxing party in years. Don’t worry, we know you don’t really follow or care about boxing in any way, shape, or form, so we’ll keep things short and simple. Our crash course on #MayPac will allow you to arrive at your bro’s house or at your favourite watering hole overflowing with nerdy trivia that will make you pass for a knowledgeable, sophisticated, and insufferably obnoxious “casual” boxing fan, for one night and one night only.

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The difference between you and the rest of the oblivious souls at the party who, like you, will watch the big fight only because of Mayweather’s relationship to Justin Bieber, or because they recognize Pacquiao from Jimmy Kimmel, is that by mastering our curriculum, you’ll be the guy to set the fratboys straight when they start spouting the half-baked truths and nonsensical opinions they’ve heard for months from the likes of Skip Bayless and Katie Couric.

So sit back, relax, and let the journey to instant boxing buffdom begin.

Half-baked truth #1: Duuuude, Floyd’s gonna smoke Pacquiao! Floyd Mayweather is “TBE”, brah! He’s undefeated for a reason, yanno?!

What you will say: There’s no way in hell Mayweather is TBE, you illiterate sumbitch! Hell, he may not even be the best fighter of this era! You ever heard of Bernard Hopkins? That guy has the record for being the oldest guy to win a belt, and the oldest guy to successfully defend it. One look at his resume tells you he had a far tougher career than Mayweather. Plus, all-time great fighters like Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray Robinson, and Joe Louis fought much tougher competition and lost from time to time, but they never ducked a challenge. Bottom line is, if a fighter’s never been beat, it only means he didn’t fight long enough, or he didn’t fight everyone he should’ve. Case closed! Wait, what is that you’re sipping? Smirnoff Ice?! Get the fuck outta here! Can’t believe I’ve been laying this truth on a swill-gulping dumbass like you!

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Sorry to burst your bubble, but Floyd ain’t ‘TBE.’

Half-baked truth #2: “Bro, Manny Pacquiao is gonna do it. He’s gonna take Mayweather’s O. I mean, look at the guy, he’s been champion in EIGHT divisions. NO ONE has ever done that! Not even Mayweather! Pacquiao’s the true “TBE”!

What you will say: Hate to pop your bubble, bro, but Pacquiao being champion in eight divisions in this day and age doesn’t mean as much as you think. I mean, yeah, it’s pretty impressive, mainly because he’s the ONLY one to do it, but do you know how many belts they have in boxing nowadays? I’m only a casual fan, but I know there’s a bunch of them in each weight class, and I ain’t an economics major or anything, but wouldn’t you say that the more belts you have, the less each one of them is worth? If you want to compare apples to apples, you have to count the number of “lineal” titles the Pacman’s won, because those are the ones you get by beating the guy who beat the guy. You know how many of those Pacquiao’s won? The answer’s four, man. That’s a long way down from eight, amirite? Also, you know who is the only other fighter in history to win four lineal titles? No, it’s not Butterbean, smartass. It’s Floyd himself.

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Lotsa belts really don’t mean that much.

The thing is, back when boxing was king, they had way less divisions than they have today. Seriously, sometime in the last century they actually doubled the amount of divisions in boxing. Yeah, I know, right? That’s why no one in the old days would’ve been able to do what Pacquiao did, because it would’ve meant they went all the way from Flyweight to Heavyweight! Ok, nice talking to you, dude, but I gotta go see this girl that just walked in. She looks exactly like the future mother of my children.

Half-baked truth #3: This fight’s the biggest scam ever, man! Mayweather beat Marquez and then Marquez knocked out Pacquiao! What’s the point of Floyd fighting Marquez’ leftovers? Bunch of dummies in this bar waiting for Pacquiao to beat someone who already proved he’s better than him.

What you will say: Da-yum! For someone sporting a faux-hawk two years after its expiration date you’re even dumber than I thought! Ok, lesson one about boxing: triangulation theories don’t work. If they did, Ali would’ve been whooped in the Rumble in the Jungle, since Foreman beat the same Frazier who defeated Ali in their first fight. What you mean Foreman who? George Foreman, you idiot!

Yeah, that’s right, the guy who sells electric grills.

More recently, Cotto beat Mosley, and Margarito beat Cotto, but guess what? Damn right! Mosley beat Margarito’s cheating ass into irrelevance! Also, Duran beat Leonard, and Leonard beat Hagler and Hearns, but both Hagler and Hearns bested Duran. I’m sure you got the message by now, but if you don’t you should try getting a new haircut and see if that helps.

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Triangulation theories don’t apply.

Half-baked truth #4: I heard Mayweather was convicted and went to jail for beating up the mother of his children.

What you will say: This one’s actually true, bro’. Luckily, this is boxing and not the NFL or the NBA. And since the WBC and the Nevada State Athletic Commission care way more about collecting fees from Mayweather than about upholding any sort of moral standards, they didn’t even debate whether or not to suspend Floyd from professional boxing. Good thing they didn’t, otherwise we wouldn’t be at this party right now. Wohoo!

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